The ‘Everything in Moderation’ Quandary
Jacob knew the easiest way to manage the hungry goat in his head would be to avoid eating anything that energised it. Not avoid as in mostly abstinent, but avoid as in completely, utterly, wholly, and entirely abstinent. He had repeatedly tried ‘everything in moderation’ eating, but he just didn’t think it was possible.
Well, not for him, anyway.
His father, for the entirety of his life (or at least during the decades Jacob has known him), has eaten one Mint Slice every night after dinner, and Jacob would have very much liked to do the same. He tried for years to implement a nightly Mint Slice but, unlike his father, Jacob had a food-obsessed hungry goat living in his head that was completely enamoured with chocolate biscuits, and was, therefore, quite insistent that they should eat the entire packet on the day it was brought home from the supermarket. Half the packet, preferably, on the car ride home.
When Jacob tried to explain that he had carefully planned out his chocolate biscuit allocation for the week, The Goat would simply ignore him. In fact, it would make a point of drowning out the sound of Jacob’s comments with an onslaught of loud, distracting and uncomfortable Mint Slice reminders that would only ease up when Jacob finally stopped resisting and agreed to open the packet. Even then, The Goat wouldn’t stop; it would just move on to rewarding Jacob’s biscuit consumption with a steady stream of pleasant sensations, overeating justifications and encouragement. Occasionally some of the Mint Slices made it home from the supermarket, but they certainly never lasted till the following day.
The Goat took up most of Jacob’s thinking space with a constant barrage of snack and meal ideas. On occasion, The Goat would agree to quieten down, but only if something really pressing needed Jacob’s attention (like an exam or a job interview), and only on the provision that they would make up for all that stress and missed eating time with a prolonged, overabundant banquet.
The only times Jacob noticed that his goat would quieten down of its own accord were after enormous binges (when even The Goat admitted they had eaten too much and needed to stop and have a rest for a while) and following periods of very clean eating. The latter generally only lasted a few days (at best), but it was just long enough for him to recognise that when The Goat wasn’t being constantly fed the foods it loved, it lost some of its ability to forcefully demand them.
Goats, Jacob figured out, get most of their energy from processed food. His goat did, anyway. The more Mint Slices it ate, the more power it had to demand the rest of the packet (plus any other food products in the house). When he fed it fruit and vegetables instead, its ability to physically force Jacob to binge (by way of sending him intense craving sensations) dissipated. The trouble was that a few days of clean eating wouldn’t make a food-addicted goat disappear completely. Its ability to send intense craving sensations may have reduced, but it could still use its power of manipulation to get the food it wanted.
And manipulate it would.
After a couple of days of unprocessed meals, Jacob would inevitably find himself in the biscuit aisle in the supermarket with a goat that was showering him with praise about his wonderfully healthy three days of eating, his noticeably leaner body, and the fact that he can’t possibly resist Mint Slices forever, so he should really work on incorporating them into his regular routine.
“Just one per day,” The Goat would say. “You can do it.”
Jacob would note that he was no longing feeling the urge to eat the whole packet.
“I can do it,” he’d agree, feeling quite good about himself.
Once that hurdle was over, the Goat found it quite easy to convince Jacob to get soft drink, several packets of chips, crackers, peanut butter, and a very large tub of cookie dough ice cream.
“They’re treats for the whole week,” it’d tell Jacob.
“For the whole week,” Jacob would agree.
It only took one Mint Slice for the Goat to get its energy back, then it’s newly restored power would, naturally, be used on getting Jacob to eat his entire weekly stash before he went to bed.
Jacob attempted for years to eat cleanly all the time. Others with success stories seem to be able to do it, so he knew that it was possible, and it really did seem to him the only solution for dealing with his goat. If he could just go long enough without eating junk food, The Goat would surely forget about it and stop trying to get him to constantly eat it. The trouble was that Jacob was surrounded by junk food; it often felt like the only option. And even when it wasn’t the only option, it was what his goat wanted, so it was what Jacob ended up eating.
He did try to stop The Goat getting its way… he just wasn’t very good at it. It made him feel like he was fighting a never-ending internal war, and it was exhausting. Every so often, Jacob would just give in and let The Goat eat anything it wanted for weeks on end. Months, sometimes. During these periods, he always hoped the unrestricted access to junk food would result in The Goat getting sick of it, but that never happened. The more it ate, the more it wanted, which meant the barrage of food thoughts and the urge to eat never let up. Jacob ended up more grumpy, tired and miserable then when he was trying to resist The Goat, so, eventually, he would start trying to wrestle back some of the control.
The internal war between them would resume.
Jacob realised that he needed to get The Goat’s preferred foods (i.e. anything processed) out of his regular daily routine if he was ever going to get a little peace and quiet, but he also had to let The Goat get what it wanted some of the time, in order to keep it happy. If he didn’t give in to The Goat occasionally, it would just go into overdrive on the manipulation whenever there were junk food options available. As that was pretty much anytime they left the house, Jacob knew (from years of failed attempts) that he would always end up giving in to The Goat and binging.
He decided to let The Goat make the decisions on special occasions, and he would make the decisions at all the regular, routine times. That seemed very sensible, and his goat was on board. Of course it was. Jacob hadn’t been very specific about what he meant by special occasions and, as it happens, The Goat’s interpretation of a special event happens with a great deal of frequency.
Some examples of what a hungry goat considers to be a special occasion:
Going for a coffee
Tiredness
Fridays
Someone in the office suggesting a takeout lunch
An unpleasant email
Sundays
Trips to the supermarket
Social events
Knowing a social event is scheduled later that week
Mondays
Leaving work early for an appointment
Stopping for petrol
Anything that could remotely be viewed as stressful (e.g. rain, a messy desk, traffic, having to do laundry, someone not immediately replying to a text message).
Jacob would like to say that they had a discussion about their differing interpretations of ‘special occasion’, came to the agreement that it would just mean annual leave days, public holidays, and social events, and that all parties stuck to the agreement, but that would be a lie. What happened instead was that he presented his recommendations to The Goat, The Goat pretended to agree, then The Goat disregarded that conversation entirely and went on asking for food, loudly and incorrigibly, at all times.
Like most binge eaters (Jacob assumes), he was caught in a quandary. His goat was completely addicted to junk food, so letting it eat what it wanted supercharged it into a gluttonous tyrannical overlord, yet depriving it turned it into a Machiavellian con artist. Either way, The Goat always ended up getting what it wanted.
If even the smallest amount of junk food empowered his goat and made it difficult for Jacob to stop it getting more, the most sensible strategy was to fill his regular eating routine with food that didn’t (or very minimally) energised it. Yet he also needed to let it have the occasional treat to stop it going into overdrive and demanding, in a state of perceived deprivation, absolutely everything.
So how does one do that?
Jacob eventually realised that it was just a matter of figuring out which foods stimulated his goat and which didn’t, creating a baseline routine consisting of only the non-stimulating foods, and reallocating the goat’s favourite foods to clearly defined and mutually agreed upon special occasions. It was really quite simple. At least, it would have been if The Goat was immediately on board. As it was not, implementation was slow and gradual.
That was fine. Good, actually. Slow and gradual is really the only way to do it. When dealing with a hungry goat, patience and perseverance are essential. Willpower, fortunately, is not.
One of the most time intensive tasks was learning to differentiate between food that empowered his goat and foods that did not. A sharp line had to be drawn with specific goat-stimulating foods on one side and goat-ambivalent foods on the other. Spinach on one side, Mint Slices on the other.
Now, it might seem obvious that sweet, fatty processed food is goat-stimulating, but when somebody has a goat in their head, they are being forever made to believe that all the most delicious foods should be exempt from categorisation. The Goat generally did this by convincing Jacob that everything it loved could be eaten in moderation. Many a peanut butter jar was trialled as a breakfast food and many a peanut butter jar was consumed after dinner with a spoon before Jacob and his goat both accepted that it was a special occasion food.
Doing this with all of The Goat’s favourites (repeatedly) meant progress was slow, but as The Goat was simultaneously being fed the non-stimulating foods on a regular schedule, its preferences started to change, and it became more and more comfortable with just the non-goat-stimulating meals and snacks it was consuming. It stopped asking for processed food aggressively and constantly.
The frequency of binges reduced, as did the quantity of food, as did the types of treats eaten. As The Goat had become used to eating to a routine, its treats became more routine too. It figured out its favourites and let most of the stuff it used to ask for go.
Once the baseline non-goat-stimulating food routine was strong (i.e. it happened most days and didn’t feel like an effort), Jacob started working on better defining treat times. Without putting too much pressure on his goat to change, he helped The Goat choose occasions for eating its favourite foods, then he worked on reducing those treat times from multiple times a week to weekly to fortnightly, and then down to monthly and special occasions (i.e. annual leave days, public holidays, and social events).
He did it at a pace that suited his goat, focused on one thing at a time, and allowed for many, many failures till they got it right. Even now, they don’t always get things perfectly, but Jacob doesn’t mind too much that The Goat occasionally demands a treat when it is not supposed to, and they sometimes eat too much. Normally it happens because Jacob is having a stressful day, and he often agrees with his goat’s recommendations. It doesn’t worry him because, nowadays, he is easily able to let The Goat have a treat (or several) and return to the baseline routine. He almost never loses control to his goat, and when he does, it is mild and brief.
Jacob gave up on trying to have a nightly Mint Slice a long time ago. They just weren’t worth his goat becoming over-stimulated and bothersome every night. He told his goat that it could have them on special occasions if it wanted, but when The Goat figured out that special occasion eating needed to be reserved for its very favourite foods, those chocolate biscuits didn’t make the cut. It has now completely forgotten about them and Jacob would appreciate if nobody reminded it. Life is a whole lot more pleasant when goats have fewer things to ask for and they ask for those things much less.
Published 10th June 2026